How do you explain and how does it make sense that the very thing you hated in your life is finally gone, but you sit there wondering why you feel so empty and you actually miss those emotions and feelings that have haunted you everyday for the past few months… go figure
Service to others can take a toll at times on you. Even more so if that someone is a close family member. To live their life and walk in their shoes gives life new meaning and understanding. And that gauntlet can take you to deep dark places you’d rather not be. But you go with no questions asked, determined to make some difference in that lost soul.
You experience the bad, the angry, the calm, the hope. You see a glimmer of light cg that seems to be growing with each passing moment you spend together, only to fade and disappear. There are many ups and downs along the way but you are resolved to see it through to the end, however long it takes.
There is hope and peace somewhere in all this. I truly believe the Lord keeps an eye out for you, me, us, if we but turn to him. And turn to him I did. Big time.
Such has been the last two months of my life as I tried to piece together a precious life. It consumed me, nawed at my bones and literally bugged me to death. I was so involved I couldn’t sleep and thought about this person every waking moment of the day… or so it seemed like.
But today it’s out of my hands. Someone has taken over. Someone to help and continue the loving, the helping and making sure this life has a chance to succeed. It ended just as abruptly as it began leaving me with a hole in my heart and a soul still wanting to know what else can I do.
Life is so crazy. The very thing you hate and complain about still naws at your heart even when it’s lifted from you. I find myself going back in time wondering why this happened or could I have done it differently. Remembering my feelings , thoughts, actions. My judgements, attitude, complaining. Did I make a difference? I think so. I hope so.
I have changed. My heart is empty but it’s also full, know what I mean…