My heart is empty… but full

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How do you explain and how does it make  sense that the very thing you hated in your life is finally gone, but you sit there wondering why you feel so empty and you actually miss those emotions and feelings that have haunted you everyday for the past few months… go figure
Service to others can take a toll at times on you. Even more so if that someone is a close family member. To live their life and walk in their shoes gives life new meaning and understanding. And that gauntlet can take you to deep dark places you’d rather not be. But you go with no questions asked, determined to make some difference in that lost soul. 

You experience the bad, the angry, the calm, the hope. You see a glimmer of light cg that seems to be growing with each passing moment you spend together, only to fade and disappear. There are many ups and downs along the way but you are resolved to see it through to the end, however long it takes. 

There is hope and peace somewhere in all this. I truly believe the Lord keeps an eye out for you, me, us, if we but turn to him. And turn to him I did. Big time. 

Such has been the last two months of my life as I tried to piece together a precious life. It consumed me, nawed at my bones and literally bugged me to death. I was so involved I couldn’t sleep and thought about this person every waking moment of the day… or so it seemed like.


But today it’s out of my hands. Someone has taken over. Someone to help and continue the loving, the helping and making sure this life has a chance to succeed. It ended just as abruptly as it began leaving me with a hole in my heart and a soul still wanting to know what else can I do. 

Life is so crazy. The very thing you hate and complain about still naws at your heart even when it’s lifted from you. I find myself going back in time wondering why this happened or could I have done it differently. Remembering my feelings , thoughts, actions. My judgements, attitude, complaining. Did I make a difference? I think so. I hope so. 

I have changed. My heart is empty but it’s also full, know what I mean…

She Remembers, Me Too…

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WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2010
Beginning Again: A daughter remembers,  from her blog to mine.
My first beginning was a good one. I was born to a good mother and father with the sound of the ocean in my ear, sand at my feet and family at my fingertips. I knew nothing but love when I came into this world and love has stayed with me throughout my almost 35 years on this earth.

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I have pictures and scenes from my childhood stored away in a special spot in my mind, saved just for me. Things like playing with the hose and a trash can in our long drive way. Eating a McDonalds breakfast in our car port, after a morning at the beach. Playing hide and seek in my AhPo’s backyard with my cousin. Coming home to hear puppies under our house, and then getting to play with the puppies before we gave them away.

Time seemed slower then. Maybe it was because we lived in Hawaii and the watches everyone wears there run a bit slower than the rest of the world. Maybe it was just because I was a kid, and when you’re a kid you have no one to worry about but yourself and when the next fun thing will come along.

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Waimanalo, Oahu

Early one morning, before the sun was up, my father woke me. He wanted to go fishing. We packed our fishing gear in our Volks Wagon bus and went down to a spot near a pier. Dad put his big fishing rod in the sand and we fished. When you fish on the shore you don’t do very much. Just mostly sit and wait. Nothing spectacular happened and I don’t even remember bringing home a fish, but it is one of my favorite memories. I was four or five at the time and every time, from that morning on, we drove by that little spot by the pier I would remember our morning together. That morning was magic to me. I got to spend the morning with my dad all by myself, without my baby brother. Life was so great at age 4.

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I did not know how magical my childhood was, until I became a mother and started to want for my children what my mother and father gave to me. I did not have fairey friends nor did I have a magic wand that granted me my every desire. The magic came from my family and the importance of family that was ingrained in me from the moment I was born. My AhKung used to say, “your friends will come and go, but family will be all you have in the end.” Well, it was something like that. He was right. He was the head of the family and he made sure we all knew how important family was. He told it to us often and showed us how even more often than he said it.

So fast forward a few years and here I am living at my mom and dad’s house, again, but with my four kids and husband too. Some days I feel so pathetic. How did we end up here? We should be on our own, in our own house, making magical memories for our kids. It’s only for a few months, but it still sucks! Then I remember that we are with family and my childhood magic started with my mom and dad, so maybe I can pass a bit of it onto my kids afterall. Maybe I don’t need a beach and a pier to give them some magical memories. Ugh! I’m so afraid the fondest memories my children will have of me is yelling and nagging at them, of which I do alot of.

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So here at my mom and dad’s I get to begin again. I get to have a second beginning. My children will get to have a second beginning too. I hope one day they will say their beginning was a good one and their childhood was magic too. They were born with sunshine in their eyes, the desert at their feet and family at their finger tips. They have known nothing but love and love will be with them through their entire lives.

 

This was taken from Kanani’s blog  without her permission. So sorry.

 

 

Hero: I still marvel at the miracle of birth…

  This is a repost: “Nine months of hell, a life time of heaven…” I didn’t have a chance to see her little body come into this world. At that time our (old school), doctor still was not letting the husband experience the birth of their child. As I sat in the waiting room for what seemed days, the concern for wife and daughter (or son) was unbearable and the anguish, exhausting. 

Yes, we didn’t know what we were getting, how novel an idea. It was exciting, it was a mystery, it was wonderful, I was a mess. Dr. Saiki comes in and tells me I have a new baby girl and all is well. He was a great doctor, a little on the gruff side but we liked him. His wife was a Hawaii senator and very popular. So, off I go to see my wife and new daughter wondering what life had in store for us. Knowing that this life changing experience would forever leave its mark, it was a big mark, I was a dad. 

As I entered the recovery room, I could see my wife looking as if she has been run over by a mack truck. “Get this kid away from me!” she screamed. I knew she didn’t mean a word of it… probably a  natural reaction. My comments would have been far more expletive I’m sure. I could never be a women, as weak as I am. So, I gave her a big hug and told her how proud I was of her. That didn’t help out much either. “Everyone please leave me alone”, and out the room I went. My job for the moment was done. I gave her some space and she rested… She was my hero. 

Just Saying…   Hey Gang 



It goes without saying, life’s greatest job is that of a father. Some agree, some don’t, I do! After all, when it’s said and done and the armor of life is stripped from you, and you’re standing there alone, to be judged… what are you left with? Only family

Him, Her and Angels Sent…

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Mom and Pops

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As I reflect upon my childhood, the greatest thing that stood out in my mind was the closeness of this family. It didn’t matter to me what the overall financial status was, the family stayed close through thick and thin. After my dad left the army of 25 years he had a very hard time keeping or finding work. From VW salesman to security guard he was out there trying to make a better life for his family.

We were never close as father and son, I was always off doing my own thing and he was trying to find work. I blame myself for this separation, even to this day. He served three campaigns during the wars – Italy, North Africa and North Korea. I haven’t a clue about any of this, he never talked about it and I never asked him. It’s shameful and I’ll always regret not getting closer to the man who took cared of me, who loved me.

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Words cannot express the feelings and love I have for my mother. She reminds me of a mother hen that has all her chicks around her and wherever she went we would follow. We could talk to each other like we were best friends, of course I never would admit that to anyone outside the family but she is where everything started and ended, at least in my life. Yes I was sort of a mama’s boy but hey, alone, with no one around we all are. You can admit it.

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They both led honorable and productive lives living as if the end of the world was on the morrow. However, they both ironically were subjected to the cruelties of life, as I learned at an early age just how rough life can be.
Dad crashed his car one night asleep at the wheel and broke his neck. He would be in beds and wheelchairs for 10 years trying to make the best of his somewhat limited life. Mom developed pancreatic cancer and would die a quick death. It wasn’t easy for this young man to see this and I remember distancing myself so it wouldn’t be in my face.

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I give tribute to my two sisters who took charge of the caring and whatever else they needed in their time of need. It is they my sisters who had that strength and compassion to make their lives a little easier, it is they who I will always remember and forever be grateful to for this love and kindness. They were angel sent…

1. Photos: top, Pops, Retired Major, US Army

2. Mom, Pa’u rider for Oahu in the Aloha day Parade (I think she’s 20yrs here)

3. A rare early photo of a mom and pops

4. The two angels… Love you